Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
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#dalle2
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.