doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Traveler’s camo
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Canada has crack?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.