do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Every BBC series about the universe.