The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
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I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
😅🤣😂
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.