Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
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“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Oh yeh? Explain this then
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.