Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.