5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
You Might Also Like
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.