You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.