I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
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[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
yeah no that’s fair
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”