There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.