Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
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I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.