Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously