Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*