I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
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I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My inexpensive home security system…
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.