Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
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My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
As the Lord intended
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?