Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
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still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire