Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Left at a local drug store…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.