Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
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My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?