My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
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Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?