A lot of folks out there missing the point…
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You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
No regrets in 2018
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.