Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.