Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
You Might Also Like
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My patience has stretch marks.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.