*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I feel this so hard
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why