People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t