Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
You Might Also Like
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.