The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying