my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
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*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.