My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
These are too funny not to post 😂
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)