As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
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Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
somewhere, in an alternate universe