Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
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me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
They got Raph!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978