I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
You Might Also Like
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Merry Christmas
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket