“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
“I FIXED IT!”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
The photographer’s assistant
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩