Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
the battle rages on
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?