a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.