My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
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Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you