I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
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I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.