Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
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The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
be careful
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭