To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
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Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.