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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Yes
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor