my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
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Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.