Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
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When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
this FaceApp is creepy af
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.