Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
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Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.