If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
You Might Also Like
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
any last words?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.