I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
A game married people play.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.