fixed it
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I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I am never leaving this website
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake