*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
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When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
how was your vacation
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.