Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop