I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
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Love this one 😂🧟
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Shower sex be like:
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.