Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
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I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
*bites zombie*
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.