*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
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Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
gm
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Trying
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.